In interpersonal communication, it is the most desired form of communication to result in situations in the way we want by using healthy ways. Dialectical behavioral therapy school, one of the evidence-based third wave cognitive behavioral therapies founded by Linehan, focuses on improving the interpersonal effectiveness of clients. One of the interpersonal effectiveness skills in dialectical behavior therapy is the "DEAR MAN" skill, which focuses on being effective in goals and getting what you want. This skill focuses on exactly what the outcomes or achievements the communicator is seeking to achieve. Some of the areas where the DEAR MAN skill will be effective in communication are: getting something deserved, getting the other person to do the desired thing, and saying no to undesirable requests and situations. The expression, abbreviated as DEAR MAN in English, makes it easier to remember seven skills that make effective goals. These seven skills are:
Describe: (If necessary) Describe the current situation. Stay true to the facts. Tell the other person exactly what you are reacting to.
For example, imagine your son coming home after the curfew you set for him. You can explain the situation by saying, "You came home late three times this week."
Express: Express your feelings and thoughts about the situation. Don't assume that the other person knows how you are feeling.
For example, you might say "I worry about you when it's late and I don't know where you are." Saying "you worry me" rather than "you are irresponsible" strengthens the use of I language and your son's willingness to continue to communicate with you.
Assert: Demand what you want or say no clearly. Do not assume that the people in front of you know or will understand your wishes. Remember that people cannot read your mind.
For example, you can say to your son "you need to get home on time".
Reinforce: Describe the positive effects of fulfilling your wishes or needs and state the negative consequences in the same way.
For example, tell your son, "If you are more responsible, I can allow you to spend more time with your friends."
Mindful: Focus on your goals. Do not get away from the subject. Keep asking, saying no, or expressing your opinion over and over again.
If your son starts attacking verbally, the best thing to do is to keep talking calmly and focused.
Appear Confident: Look effective and adequate. Show a confident tone of voice and body posture. Do not stutter, stare down, or speak in a low voice. Avoid using expressions such as "not sure" that do not show you are confident.
Make eye contact when talking to your son. Speak calmly, loudly enough and clearly.
Negotiate: Be willing to give in order to receive. Find a different solution to your problem and lower your wishes. Even if you say no, suggest something else or take a different route.
If your son says he can be late in situations that are beyond his control, a solution can be found there to please both of you. For example, you can agree that he should call you when he will be delayed.
References
Linehan, M. DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets.
https://www.discoveryacademy.com/dear-man-how-to-get-people-to-do-what-you-want/
Ali Rıfat KILIÇ
Research Assistant
